So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
