oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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