just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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