When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Randomize
