My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Randomize
