Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
