this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
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I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
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I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
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