Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
