speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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