So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
