well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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