he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
did i just pee glitter
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Randomize
