1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
try to milk me bitch
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
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