Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
