I feel like I'm in dance class right now
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
