You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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