I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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