Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
True strength comes from lack of pants
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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