So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
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