I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
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