I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
