Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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