This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
Randomize
