so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
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