Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We need a shit load of segways right now
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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