she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
