Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
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I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
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Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
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