He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize