I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
