I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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