In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
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i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
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He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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