tell your sister to shave her snatch
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
