you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
