I am going to fall madly in love with a ginger, marry the ginger and have lil ginger children running all around town. Oy
You shut your mouth
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
