hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Randomize
