textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Randomize
