batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
