His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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