she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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