a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
my phone needs a breathalizer
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
