I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
