She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
