you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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