Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
