you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Randomize
