I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
