Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Randomize
