Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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