I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
you never un-have a 4some
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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