She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
