Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
You're a waste of cheezeits
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
