the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Randomize
