to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
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