On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
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