Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
