Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
