I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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