I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
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