she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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