i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Randomize
