I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
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