and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
