He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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